Thursday, 24 September 2015

Why is it always a BMW?

While leaving the gym for a run the other day, I nearly got hit in the parking lot. I saw the car coming and thought that I would be safe if I paused in the motorcycle parking spot that I was already physically occupying. Little did I know that the car speeding towards me wanted to occupy that space as well on its way to park in the spot across from it. Luckily, they stepped on the break before I became a pancake, then gunned it into their spot after I moved. I shook my head and continued on my way. It wasn't until I returned that I realized exactly how big an ass they were... 
This was definitely not the only free spot
...and of course, it's a BMW. Why is it that it feels like every time someone is driving like a complete maniac, it'll turn out to be a BMW? In fact, it's so common that the one time I was driving behind a BMW that appeared not to be a completely selfish lunatic, it was notable (and I apologize if that one person happens to be reading this, although I'd assume they must have been borrowing the car if I thought BMW drivers could possibly be nice enough to have friends or do favours for the few that they have...on second thought, they must have stolen it, which still makes them less of an ass than most BMW drivers).

Whatever. I have long accepted that if I see a BMW, I need to be prepared to get cut off or tailgated or turned into roadkill, so I just try to avoid them. But, the one thing that I can't figure out is how does this happen? When people buy a BMW, is it because they see that asshole on the road and think, "You know what? I want to be that guy." Is it in the manual? Do they force them to sign a contract that says "If there are two choices on the road, I will always choose the one that will cause the other person on the road to fear for their life or, if such a choice is not available, I will find an option that will, at the least, cause them to lament their commute and all the jackasses on the road." 

There must be cheaper ways to brand yourself as an asshole. In case anyone who would like to be a BMW jerk, but doesn't have the money is reading, here are a few ideas for being an asshole on a budget:

1. Get one of those fake e-bikes. You know, the ones that replace the "e" part with a lawnmower motor, to ensure that anyone trying to enjoy a pleasant walk/run in the forest gets to smell your exhaust the entire time.
2. Become a YouTube commenter.
3. Go to any retail store at closing time, ideally time it so that they are literally on their way to lock up. Call to them to wait so that you can come in quickly. Browse for half-an-hour, ask for lots of help. Buy nothing.
4. Raise an idiot. Send them to public school so that you can yell at their teacher.
5. Grab some friends who are also interested in cheap assholery. Walk slowly in a big line on a busy city street or bike path. Come to a dead stop at completely random intervals.

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